Wet 5 and a Half
by Osa P
Summary: the kindaawaited sequeladdon to Wet 5. Kuwa and Yusuke get married. And this is kinda a musical. rated for cussing and general innapropriateness


This is a story about a turtle. It was a happy turtle. In fact, he lived in a happy shack. That is, until the shack was burned down by hellfire. Poor little effin' turtle. He's going to fed to a Chinese family now. And, no that's not racist, it's the truth.

But, whether that be the truth or not, it has nothing to do with the actual story contained on this...webpage...hell-hole...miscellaneous chicken stand...maybe I should just call this place though I may have left this place already. shhhhh! Don't tell but I wanna leave...

This is a story about YuzuK3 and kuW484r4 t3h L0/3rz. L33t, no? For those of you who can't speak L33t, this is all about Yusuke and Kuwabara and they're randomly mundane lives as spirit detectives and a couple. I mean, gosh, they're getting married! How lame is that? I mean goodness, nobody gets married anymore! It's so last season. Nowa-days everyone just has sex whenever they feel like it, no strings attached. That's da good way to do it. And don't forget, don't use protection. Condoms are so bland. what?

In any case, Yusuke had just proposed to Kuwabara after kitty boy was done being all captured and crap. They kissed/made-out/made-babies/ate cake/cotton eye joe'd and of course little Kuwa said 'hell yes' which led to more making out and such. All was going well in fact, cuz weddings could be planned hella fast if you had spirit world on your side. That and Botan was probably really bored and she likes patterns, flowers, and weepy events. The only thing that could possibly screw-up this situation was...huh? I have a headache...

So, yes, happi happi fuck-buddy-bois! God bless 'em!

.:Note: the next few lines or whatever will be written in song format. Plz enjoi.

Orange-haired boyyyy  
and Black-haired demonnnn  
they used to shack uppp  
They made each other cuuuuuu-some  
soup!  
Twas delicious and nutritious  
but that time was over  
hearts growing warmer  
head on one's shoulder  
blue eyes that smolder  
And cheeseeee  
Tell the whole fucking world, they've got the marriage disease!

The marriage disease, makes u wanna make flower arrangements  
marriage disease... u blow off all other engagements  
disease of marriage, one of you has to wear the dress  
disease of marriage, no yusuke we're not impressed thatyoucanstickabananaallthewayupyournosewithoutdyingallwhiledoingastripteaseonabedofhotcoals

Hiei and Kurama  
part of a neglected bunch  
hiei's eaten for lunch  
kurama's got the 'punch'  
and they're both invited  
to see two boys united  
in the name of the author and all their fans  
Each of them have tasted a man's  
Cooking! cuz Koenma will cater  
Goblin mite be a waiter  
and Botan is the planer to pleassssssssse  
Tell all the PTA mom's that they've got marriage disease!

The marriage disease, a chance to be overly girly  
marriage disease, not even evil villians are surly  
disease of marriage, shit can't hit the fan  
disease of marriage, unless the evil chicks master plannn...creates a mountain dew ice sculpture

Everybody's happy  
the clothes are all picked out  
Kuwabara's in a dresssss  
come on, you're allowed  
to be part of the crowd  
and be whipped while down on your knees  
Don't tell the Christian Coalition that they've got GAY marriage disease!

The marriage disease, let's go hump a- oh fuck. my head hurts... kill me...

* * *

Twas the eve before the wedding and Yusuke and Kuwabara were relaxing together on the couch in their living room watching straight porn. They liked it. It made them laugh really hard. Silly straight folks and their birth control and boobies. Ha ha ha! 

Kuwabara was comfortably snuggled in his lover's lap, eyes half-closed. Demon boy-excuse me- demon YOUNG MAN had his arms wrapped around Kuwa and his lips were imbedded in soft orange hair in a continuous kiss. The light in the room was dimmed giving them a very Kodak moment-esque domestic moment. What a beautiful sight yo.

As the spectacle that is straight porn drew to a close neither of them moved, both too tired from wedding woes to get up and move. Not to worry though, because some of their dear friends were going to come and forcefully move them. T minus 8, 9, 3, 111, 3, 2, 5!

Hiei, Kurama, and Koenma all burst in to our main characters humble abode, led by a very Kowai, not kawaii, Botan with whip in hand.

.:Japanese lesson:.  
kawaii-cute or adorable. u'll hear this about girls in anime.  
kowai-scary or frightening. u'll hear this about big breated angry chicks.  
.:End lesson:.

"Ha ha ha!", laughed super-kowai Botan, "You two aren't following the rules yanno. The bride and groom shouldn't be together before the night of the wedding or the whole next day until the wedding.And as you both know, naughty boys...", shadow fell on her face and her eyes glowed an inhuman white tinged with blue, "must be punished! Prepare to face my wrath!"

Botan cracked her whip at her 'minions' at which point they charged on the poor unfortunate souls. Well, okay 2 out of 3 of her minions charged. Kurama was feeling bitchy as usual especially since he was having a bad hair day on top of not getting any lately AND he thinks he may have been out prettied and outsmarted by another camera worthy bishounen. Like hell he was following reaper-girl's orders. Not today and definitely not tomorrow. He was going to be busy hunting down his arch nemisis and actually attending the wedding. There was no time for helping the evil wench.

Koenma flew into the wall beside him and not in his baby form. Hiei ran over a moment later with a massive nosebleed and not from being hit.

Kurama sighed. Looks like it was up to him again. He hated this job.

The fox demon managed to pry apart the two lovebirds and threw Yusuke into the next room and grabbed Kuwabara by the collar of his nonexistant shirt. Makes sense, yes? He carried his burden over to Wedding Master Botan and presented it/him with a terse 'here'.

Botan squealed in the way that she tends to do, flailing about and accidently striking Kuwa with her whip. Ouchies. Get an icy hot sleeve. For your face! ohhhhhhh! u just got served!

"Thank you so much Kurama! Now they can be just like...like...like real people getting married!" She beamed.

"Right. Look I know thinking may not be your strong suit, but did you ever think about where we're going to keep the human bitch?" Kuwabara twitched. 'Human bitch'? He was more than just a little uncomfortable, he was a little pissed.

"Oh. I didn't think about that."

Yusuke, in the distance, was stumbling along back into the living room.

"Well, the human bitch could always stay at my house..."

"Like fuck he will!", Yusuke screamed from over there. "Lord knows you'll probably molest him!"

Kurama pouted. "You're lucky he loves you...", the fox said wistfully.

Everyone stared at him and all at the same time said, "What?"

"Ummm I like flowers and helping people unless I'm feeling very demon-ish at which point I screw Hiei blind and smoke till my lung's burn off?"

They took a collective sigh of relief. That was the good ol' Kurama they knew.

"Well, in any case," Koenma, who'd finally dislogded himself from the wall, spoke, "I think I am quite equipped to keep Kuwabara in my home until the wedding. He'll be safest there after all. Not to mention the ogres have been waiting to play another game of scrabble with them. It makes them feel special to have someone on the same reading level as they." Koenma smirked assuredly.

There were nods all around except from Yusuke who was randomly and quite passionately making out with his lover who was still being held by Kurama. Those horny kids.

i gotta take a break... my ears may be leaking a puss-blood mixture.. ow.

To re-cap: Kuwabara and Yusuke makin' out while half suspended in the air cuz of Kurama. Kurama, not being in the spiffiest of moods, used his free hand to peel the two apart which is rather difficult considering how much they love each other. Having to struggling boys in his arms was proving to be difficult, though, so he threw the more butch of the two into the wall. He made a crunching sound.

"Whoops. I think I broke his ribs." Kurama smirked. With all the random and crazy stuff that had been going on lately it only took seeing his soon-to-be-spouse flying against the wall like a block of narcotic(1) to make Kuwabara pass out like a 7 year old girl suffering from heat stroke.

That's what marriage disease'll do to ya.

* * *

Thus, Kuwabara was whisked off in the dead of night to Koenma's place where he would be tortured for hour upon hour by the shadow game we know as Scrabble. He was stuck in the huge tomb of the underworld pharoh, Koenma-oh! Unfortunately, the great Koenma-oh didn't have a highschool love slave that looked remarkably like him, so poor Kuwabara was bearing the brunt of his amusement. All day and all night he made him play these evil shadow games that slowly and coloquially chipped away at the poor human's soul! 

Pheh... allusions to card-battle animes aside, Kuwabara was stuck at Koenma's place for a good while. Totally sucked for him. I mean honestly, the ogres all thought they were smarter than him! Not saying that some of them weren't, but they should know that Kuwabara being a sexy co-ed and all would know that mouses is not the plural form of mouse. Or we'd hope he'd know that. Yanno I heard Einstein couldn't tie his shoes...

In any case for the next 12 or somin hours, somin like dat...yeah...i know time bitches! um.. right... Our number one orange niXXer was gonna be all holed up until Botan came to jack him for da wedding. Know what i'm sayin? But his gangster lover was all kinds a pissed cuz he can't see his bitch. And so K-fo had to get several kinds a naughty with his virgin azz to keep dat fool in line. But Hiei had to get all angry-prostitute on him so like he and Yusuke started havin one suckuh of a bitch fight. 'Course that Hiei niXXer didn't know what he was messin' with cuz Yusuke is one crazy-ass horny son of a bitch! No doubt! Hinizzle was straight up pimped slapped forizzle! I mean there wuz some crazy ass beat down goin on between half-niXXer and shawty niXXer. Gotta give Hinizzle mad props for goin up against Yusuke. So K-fo stepped up and beat the crazy niXXer down like Snoop Dizzle to that one skinny bitch. Dat wuz some whacked out shit, fo sho.

Plainly put, it sucked for both Yusuke and his reluctant caretaker. It didn't suck for Kurama. Kurama had not only a new occasional punching bag, but a distraction for Hiei as well. With his cigarette burned lover occupied, he was free to pursue certain not-nearly-as-gorgeous individuals...

"Fox! What the hell are you doing over there?"

Kurama looked up from his rather intricate needle point of a hot elf running away from a fox demon who was carrying a large mallet, a whip, and a shot gun. "What ever do you mean my dear Hiei?"

"The fuck is with the needle point?"

Kurama gritted his teeth. He grits his teeth really prettily like. 'Course gritting usually led to Youko side comin out and laying the smack down so sucks for Hiei. "I'm expressing my creative side, is that a problem?"

Hiei raised an extremely bushy eyebrow. Except that his eyebrows were all thin and girly in reality. What is reality anyways but a universe away from endless butt sex? "May I ask what the hell it is that you've portrayed?" Like we all know Hiei wuz hella curious, but he's also supposed to be the character with a stick up his ass so you can understand his dilema. To be curious and feminine like he'd always wanted or to retain his rougish nature and endless glares? Oh woe is the poor Hiei!

"Look, bitch, I don't have the time for your angsty shit", Kurama spat out oh so elegantly. He also lit up a ciggy. Watch out Hiei. Ur ass is burned fo sho. "This", Kurama shoved his wonderfully crafter ho-thing in Hiei's face, "is an excellent depiction of what I'm going to do when I find that damned elf who has the dumbass nerve to think that he's hotter than I am."

Now we know that dear sweet bitch-ass Kurama meant to show the short one the image, but when one shoves needle point into anothers face and disregards the fact that said needle of needlepointing was still stuck in the work, bad things happen. Like loosing your third eye.

"... It burns...", Hiei whimpered. _tosses dog biscuit_

"You bet your tiny ass it does." Burn. Like literally, fox-boy put out his ciggy right on Hiei's neck. OH the paiiiiiiinn this reminds me that there should be a refrainnnnnnnn to every sonnnng like this one nowwwwwww

"I have a mission unlike any other  
More sticky than Toguro's brother  
So deeply involved am I in this terrible ordeal" Our foxy friend leapt up from where he'd been sitting, dancing shoes and 80's colored leotard strapped to his body.

"It seems that the best is fading fast  
I always thought that it would last  
I can't believe that this is for real" He twirled in the air, narrowly missing a moping Hiei.

"Legolas, you biznatch! You are not prettier then I!" Another twirl with a kick this time. But Kurama kicks high so everyone's safe this time.

"Nothing in life has prepared me for this  
A dip or a dive, the thrill of a kiss  
Killing has never been this necessaries" Fosse Fosse Fosse.

"He thinks he's so hot in all green  
His ears and hair are more than obscene  
And it's only pansy weapons that he carries" He was perched down on one knee, so very randomly, with his arms stretched out before him.

"GreenLeaf, I'll kill you! You are not prettier then I!" He did a bit of a dive at that moment to yanno, add effect or whatever. By now, Yusuke was quite a bit coherent. Oh yeah, I furrgot. After Kurama beat the shit out of Yusuke he made him eat this funny seven leafed plant and some tylenol, so he was majorly out of it and probably near death or something. Well, he looked over at dancing fox-boy with intrigue and intrigue.

"I'll skin him alive and feast upon his entrails  
I know exactly what this will entail  
For I've been planning this since early this morn"

"Oi shor toneeee...the fuckshshh is heee dooooooing?" Yusuke ennunciated from the corner. Hiei gave him a 'fuck if i know' shrug and continued rubbing neosporin on his newest burn. them things hurt.

"I'll rip off your nanana and scratch at your eyes  
Tea? You can't tempt me! my eyes are on the prize  
I'll make you regret the day your tight butt was born" Kurama was spining about his and Hiei's living room area with a lot of flourish. Unfortunately it was the type of flourish that wounded bystanders, a.k.a Hiei.

"You craptacular excuse of an elf, I'll eliminate you!" He leapt through the air like all amazingly gay and ballerina-ish and landed on one pointed toe. "You!" backflip "are!" twirl "not!" pelvic thrust "prettier than I!" and with that Kurama shook his nonexistant man boobs for all they were worth as some random music climaxed and began to fade. Can't forget the fireworks and explosions and topless male Norwegian prostitutes that were dancing around. And no, I'm not sure how much of this is Yusuke hallucinating on his crazy wild drugs. But after it was all finished it was safe to say that Kurama was more than just a little pissed. He was a little old-black-church-lady -high-on-fried-chicken-and-divorced-three-times-cuz-her-husbands-wet-themselves crazy.

* * *

And thus, God crapped out the sun and it wuz beautifully uv-ray-allicious. Like anyone who's really pale, or sensitive, or Kazima like is gonna burn to a coppertone flavored crisp. Sux for Kuwa-chan. Poor lil pale-ass bastard. Who wants to be sunburned on their wedding day anyways? I mean, dang, happy anniversary, your ass is sunburned! Well... his ass shouldn't be sunburned... maybe not till the honeymoon.. kinky beach sex... 

Anywho, Wedding Master Botan had her bridal captive clutched in the hands of her minions a.k.a the random ogres a.k.a Koenma's man-slaves a.k.a. a fine bunch of after school special-like kids.

"Come my minions," she cackled not quite as menacingly as she would've liked. 'I really hafta work on this whole kowai thing. No one will take me seriously if i can't strike ph34r into the hearts of halfway-innocent gay boys.' "Bring the boy over hurr!"

"Oh Kowai Wedding Master Botan, is he gonna get a pedicure and get his hair did?", asked one extremely random and surprisingly well-ebonicified ogre.

She cooed. Like, really she did, cuz that's all she could do. It was kyute. "How special you are ogre number 85." She petted him with her smooth and silky voice all the while petting him with increasing force with her whip o' doom. She's not mean, just stressed. Now tell me that aint insecurr, the concept of skool seems so securr. sophmore three yurrs ain't picked a careurr. she's like 'fuck it' i'll just stay down hurr.

Botan whipped the author seeing as how the author is feeling very sick at this moment and is resorting to running themes to move this piece of shit along. So, to recap, Botan commanded the demons to do some stuff like get the wedding all set up and shit and she sent Kuwabara off to be made into the prettiest lil non-transvestite bride he could be. the end.

Poor Kuwa-chan was to b half molestified for hours on end all for the sake of glamour. he should've been born a Yusuke, then he'd not only be on top most of the time, but he wouldn't hafta get pretty. if only we could all be born Yusuke's. or at least boys. then butt sex would b rampant in the streets and male pregnancy would b the norm. If only...

Kuwabara sighed softly to himself. If only he could be Yusuke. If only he could have the sex drive of a rabbit on cialis, viagra, and some extra testosterone. If only he didn't look so cute with his hair down. If only evil villians didn't want to molest him. If only he could be his fiance...

If only he could sing out his sorrows while stuck in the back of a tent-turned-salon with all the helper ogres around him as his back-up singers/dancers. Oh wait, he is... rite...i hafta write that out don't i? fuck.

"Once I was a strong man, of 14 or so  
I continued to grow, taller then all that i know.  
But what has come over me these past few years?  
Could it be that I had help facing my fears?"

He began to rise out of the salon chair he'd been sitting in, his big ol' capey-keep-the-hair-and-hair shit-offa-my-whore-clothes cover majigger slipping off of one shoulder.

"Or maybe that love came and hit me before I had time-  
Time to become more of myselfffffff." Thas right. Hit that falsetto, bitch.

"If only oh, if only  
If i could be him then I'd stand on my own  
So lonely, mother-fucking lonely  
Without that bitch-ass-punk to stand by my side"

The ogres were backin' him up hella good with 'lalala's in all the rite places. Don't forget the kewl little moves they were doing while dancing around him.

"Yesterday I was single without much connection  
Today, a wedding cake, delectable confection.  
Tomorrow I wonder where this life will end.  
The true question is, where does it begin"

Damn he was workin' it. Like Barbara Streisand ain't got nothing on him, 'cept for boobs and grace. Otherwise he could so totally whoop her ass in a singing contest.

"If only yeah, if only  
To be him is to be a really good lover  
So horny, friggin horny  
Maybe being my lover would be too time consuming..."

The ogres leapt around him in traditional musical fashion, for some reason brandishing hair care products and flowers and shit like that. Yeah, I know, what the fuck? Kuwabara also seemed to be thinking along these lines cuz he stopped singing. Like, the urge left him.

"Fuck this. I'm already portrayed as pansy-ass enough. I am not singing anything that causes cancer!" Despite his refusal to discontinue the song, the background music kept playing. What really sucks is that the music was going to be played during the whole wedding. What sucks more is that he said something that isn't appropriate at this point and time in the fic. But that's not his fault, it's totally Kazima's. suck it.

Now wouldn't be a terribly appropriate time for something bad to happen, but in reality it's never appropriate so he got like totally attacked. Yeah. hm. That hairdryer was just wailing on him I swear, cuz them things can burn off the flesh of whomever they touch. Like mother-in-laws. Yeshhhh.

Other than that, the rest of Kuwa's preparationess went off without a hitch. I know what you're thinking. This much done and no conflict? Is this just supposed to be a pansy musical without any sad and lonely songs to be performed after the poor main character child has been stuck as a foster kid in a run-down hotel run by the 'master of the house'? Well of course not, cuz there was a certain spesho someone lurking in the shadows at the edge of the wedding grounds. Could it really have been-

* * *

Yusuke awoke to the same bright sunlight that our Lord and Savior had crapped out for the wedding grounds, only this little dropling was much less appreciated by the party in question. fuck you and you're sleeping. i'll castrate you! However high the half-demon may have been, no matter how hung over he felt, no matter how bad he wanted to get his rocks off with the convenient Kuwabara plushie in the corner of the room, he had to get up... oh nevermind. He's humping the plushy. Yeah, yeah, I kno. Horny bastard. Got it. 

So a good 15 minutes later Yusuke was fully awake in all aspects of mind, body and soul. This was his day bitches. The day he could hump his sometimes reluctant lover w/out remorse. Not that he felt any before, but he had this nagging feeling that if they continued down their candy coated sodomy pathway without getting married, he would have his penis chopped off. He didn't know why but he could feel it. Kuwabara felt it too, only he always believed they'd have their prostates ripped out. Yusuke shuddered at the thought, then thought better of it.

'Ha! Like I use my prostate!' It twas tru. Young-ish Yusuke Urameshi rarely used his prostate for he was never on bottom. EVER.

Kurama chose that moment to flounce into the room dressed not in his normally gay abercrombie-ish clothing, but in elf clothing. He had the high boots, tights, arrows, everything. He'd even gone so far as to mold play-doh onto his ears to make them look pointy.

"Uh... Kurama, what's with the getup?", asked a slightly apprehensivible Yusuke. Cuz he's not really apprehensive, but his just a little little bit. He'd be more apprehensive if certain other things happened like the sun hurtling toward the earth or something of that nature. So therefore, he was apprehesivible. It's like invincible, inconceiveable, apprehensive, sensible, and crochet all in one word. Really.

"Getting ready for the wedding, that's all." He smiled at him.

Ok, now Yusuke was apprehensive, cuz like Kurama was cleaning several pointy, painful and prostate-ripping objects in his hands but he was still smiling. Creepy. "I... I didn't think we were having a elf motif."

Kurama blinked at him.

Yusuke blinked.

Hiei looked up, naked, from under a pile of his and Kurama's clothes. He blinked too.

"Fag," Kurama said, deadpanned.

And thus the understatement of the century and the pot calling the kettle black thing had been fulfilled all in one tiny word. It was like killing two birds with one stone.

Hiei shrugged and began walking around naked, tidying up with awesome demon speed. Kurama grabbed Yusuke by the scruff of his neck and hauled him up to his feet. "Your mother effin wedding is in like 3 hours. I have to get your skankin' ass down there in 15 minutes so I can take care of some business and still make it on time."

Yusuke blinked owlishly. "What you telling me for?"

"I think this is supposed to be my inner monologue moment but in true 4Kids fashion I decided to tell you instead to make it seem like we talk more which in turn makes us better friends despite nearly drugging you to death last night."

"Oh. Kay." There was silence for two moments. "Can I keep that Kuwabara plushie?" Kurama flushed bright red. How had he found it? His eyes searched for the doll only to find it in plain sight and covered with something. Oh Lord have mercy he wasn't going to ask was he?

"What ever did you do to my- I mean- that plushie?"

"When a man's got an urge and they need to purge, what do they do? Hump it!", Yusuke explained, half-singing.

Kurama shook him violently, quite quickly turning into youko. "No fucking way! No fucking singing! Takes to fucking long!" The fox kept on shaking him till the young man was quite sufficiently passed out which for Yusuke means no longer horny and therefore no longer willing to sing. "Well, we're off then." And off they did flounce into the magical distance leaving a still naked Hiei to finish tidying up. I hope he's not planning on cooking naked, cuz that would suck if he dropped some hot oil on his-

* * *

Back at wedding central Kuwabara was looking oh so fine with his pom-poms and his bright pink, rose themed costume jewelry. And those hoochie shorts? Hells yes! Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like him? Don't you wish your girlfriend was freak like him? Don't you? 

No, no, for once he was actually dressed rather nice. Had on a white tux he did, and his hair was down and all shiny and he had on a little bit of makeup. Just a little. Like less than your brother but more than your dog. Somewhere inbetween I'm sure.

Botan had already started the waterworks as she saw her dream coming together. And come together it did. Arches covered in vines and flowers, benches spread out among the softest of grass, ogres crooning out love songs. This damned wedding came together like to bishounen in a lemon. Really easy, pretty-like, and with lots of passion.

To make everything better, Yusuke had just arrived and he wasn't disgruntled. He was a little bit excited.

As soon as he'd dropped off the groom, the Kurama's (youko and the gay one, which is incredibly redundant…) dashed off vanishing into the night-day. They would not be seen again for a long while. But what they were doing seemed much more interesting and could waste a few paragraphs to speed this bitch along, so we'll follow them.

-----following------

Kurama was lurking around in the depths of the Evlen forest, blending in remarkably well. Many a elf men and women were fawning over just how pretty/hot he was and whether or not he dyed his hair to get that color.

"He couldn't have, his hair is too soft."

"Oh, but how is it so vivid?"

"The nutrients in sperm work as a good shampoo."

Kurama twitched. Were they implying that he was a cheap whore? 'Well you are,' said Youko. 'Shut up bitch!', returned Kurama. 'You know Hiei's my one and only pimp!' This conversation failed to answer the question that was surely on everyone's minds: does he wear contacts? I kno, I want to kno too. His eyes are too pretty to be natural…

After shaking off many an elf with the advice that they should try the 'sperm hair treatment' by Pantene he was finally able to stumble upon HIM. Yes, HIM. The one he'd been searching for the whole time. And now he would be able to- aw shit. He looked down at his random wristwatch which we never see in the series or anytime probably because he doesn't have one, and cursed violently again. He had only 25 minutes till the wedding started. He sighed to himself and started walking away from his prey.

About 5 minutes later a gruff shout followed by the words 'Nobody picks up a dwarf' could be heard.

Finally Kurama's prey looked up. Could it be? No, no it couldn't have!

"Nobody steals MY dwarf!" screamed out an enragedly pretty Legolas. With that he tossed his long hair over one shoulder making everyone gasp at his prettiness, and grabbed his bow and arrows. He would find this person who took his dwarf and cut off his arm.

"I heard that whoever killed the dwarf thing was, like, prettier than Legolas."

Scratch that. He would find this person and kill him. Yesh.

* * *

The wedding was now about to begin. Everything looked perfect. So perfect that I can't put it into words. Damn. That's really perfect. 

Yusuke was standing at the alter in his black tux, hair nicely gelled back, and face as lightly make-uped as his bride's. The preacher stood next to him, asleep on the podium. Behind him were benches full of ppl he both knew and couldn't remember having ever met but probably had at one time. He could see his mother on the front row, drunk as usual, the dragqueens that had helped deliver him seated next to her. And there was Koenma, fully grown for once and not in his normal attire.

There was a shit load of other ppl like Gin, the yo-yo kid, Sensui, the Game Master kid, Seaman, Toguro, Toguro's older brother, Dr. Ichigaki, Kurama's family, Yukina, Keiko, the wetness from Wet 4(dressed like a man for once), Genkai, that one kid, Osa P, Okubo, the principal from their middle school, and about a whole helluva lot of ogres. There were more ppl there but I can't name damned all of them. And the evil villains? Well they promised to be on their best behavior on this most sacred of occasions. Like Elder Toguro was crying. This was just too beautiful for words so he sobbed and sobbed. The wetness from Wet 6 was patting him soothingly on the back.

Yusuke kinda jigged in placed. Not jizzed, definitely not that, but jigged. He was more than a little excited. He was a little nervous. His nerves dissipated some when Kurama appeared in a light red tux near where Kuwabara would stand. Hiei came up next to him in a dark blue little boy's tux. Haha, Hiei's little!

Then the music started and Yusuke nearly shit himself. Botan was playing said music rather well. It's always the flighty ones with some type of amazing talent. Shuichi. 'nuff said.

Yusuke could see at the end of this long as pathway, Kuwa dressed in his white tux, the bright sunlight shining off of his head creating a halo effect. This wasn't really a surprise to Yusuke cuz in fanfics with beautiful sunlight and the love of someone's life, there's always a halo effect. However, he hadn't planned on it being so damned kewl to look at.

Kuwabara was being lead down the isle by his sister who was doing her damndest not to cry. For her too, this was all just too beautiful.

Well she didn't have to worry bout that much longer did she? And why you ask? Cuz half of the people in the audience suddenly fell dead to the ground. Like sudden death, not bloody maiming death. Blood would have ruined everything really.

Shizuru stepped out in front of her brother to protect his nearly married ass. Whatever it was that had killed all of the unimportant guest was not just a blessing but a curse and it was after her brother.

Yusuke's 'Kuwabara sense' TM copyrighted to OsaP was going off like never before. "No!" he shouted disparigingily. He sprinted down the isle, cursing Botan for making it so damned long much like his penis. Ha.

But he was too late for whatever had killed the unmentionable, unknowable, and unimportant guest had gone for Shizuru and easily tossed her to the side. Now the evil-ness had Kuwabara and had him very close to a pair of tig ol' bitties.

Kuwa's eyes looked wide and frightened for he recognized the accidental molesty feeling of these boobs. Could it be?

The evil behind him was wearing a long white faux fur coat that covered her dominatrix gear. "Look, ass-face," she addressed a still sprinting Yusuke. "I have your damned fiancé thing and I'm going to kill him. Come at me if you want, but I'll kill you just as quickly." She said all this quite frankly.

Yusuke was still running at her.

She adjusted her whip of doom.

He was still running.

She popped a breathmint into her mouth. Don't want to kill people with offensive breath now do we?

Still running.

"So, how've you been Kazuma Kuwabara?"

Kuwabara shrugged. "Ok, I guess. I was getting married today."

"Oh really? That's great!", she exclaimed. Hey, she was a woman. Woman think love is great. "Is my cousin here?"

"What does he look like?"

"Well I'm not sure whether or not they've decide which sex they want to be yet…"

Kuwa smiled. "Oh, he's here and he's stopped dressing up like a girl."

"That's great!"

Yep, still running.

"By the way, when Yusuke dies it'll be your fault."

"What!" Kuwa sounded more than a little scared. He sounded apprehensivibly scared.

She cackled. "Of course it's all your fault! You can't even save yourself in the easiest of situations! So when he comes down here and I snap his little neck it'll be all because you weren't strong enough."

Kuwabara had begun whimpering. 'It really is all my fault,' he thought solemnly. Suddenly he felt a mental slap followed by a mental wedgie and winced at both. 'What was that? I can't help it if I'm too weak.' Again with the mental abuse. 'Ow.'

Running through the love parade.

'Could it be that my mind or some outside force is telling me that her words are wrong? Am I really not weak?' Mental hugs. 'Could it be-' She slapped him in the face.

"Don't even think about undoing all of my psychological torture. Or should I remind you that after I've killed the bitch I'm going to torture you for hours on end. And you remember what I said about torture don't you?"

Kuwabara shuddered in remembrance but held his nonexistent ground. He was being held up off the ground by a few centimeters after all so how could he hold onto it? "I didn't cheat on him then and I won't cheat on him now!" Kuwabara did this kewl little ninja move causing his captor to grunt as she released him. He immediately brought out his spirit sword. It was whoop ass time.

The evol dominatrix woman who we had earlier called BUSH was not dettered for she was just that damned sure of herself. Or she appeared to be. She's so self-conscious. Has no idea what she'd doin' in college…

Just as Yusuke had finally reached his lover's side a beautiful figure flew across the sky. He chose to ignore it favoring his lover's safety over flashes, but the author did not.

Twas Legolas, a Hawt look of vengeance across his face. "Where is the one who claims to be more attractive then I?"

Kurama tossed back his hair and stared at the elf before him. "It is I you cheap elven hussy!"

"Bastard! Give me back my dwarf!"

"You mean this dwarf?" We're not sure which Kurama it was that kicked the bag beside him, but it was for sure that he kicked said bag in the crotch.

"You bitch!" Legolas drew his swords as Kurama drew his whip. The two beauties glared alluringly at each other.

The preacher chose this moment to awake and shouted, "It's about to be a what? Girl Fight!" And off flew the two hotties to embrace in the hottest and sweatiest battle of all time. _smirks_ hell's yeah.

Back in the kingdom, all was not right for BUSH had not lied about her amazing strength. The cheap-ass walmart faux-fur coat had been doffed revealing her dangerous beauty that held the attention of all. Her whip o' doom was clutched tightly in one hand.

Yusuke, having just run like 2 miles was panting a bit but still went to his lover's side to check for injuries… in all the wrong places… like his ass… though considering what they were up against he wouldn't have been surprised to find harm done there.

There moment was ruined by the ruthless woman in front of them. She lashed out with her whip, throwing the two lovers away from each other.

"Jack!" Kuwabara screamed as he was thrown to the right.

"Rose!" Yusuke shouted with equal force as he was thrown to the left.

BUSH cackled, but not much since it tended to waste time, and flew after Yusuke. Before the man could land he was being attacked over and over by the whip. He could feel the burning sting of her hatred. And oh did it burn. It burned pretty sweet. It was actually kinda turning him on.

BUSH paused in whipping him and groaned. "Dammit all! Why is it that you're both such freaks!"

Yusuke rolled over and up onto his feet. "We can't help it. Which means you can't win."

BUSH felt for a second that she indeed wouldn't be able to defeat the man before her when she remembered the boy's weakness. She jumped back from the half-demon and to his lover's side. Suddenly the evol tentacles from Wet 5 appeared and began to attack Kuwabara.

Kuwa screamed, more from the connotations associated with tentacles than the pain. Then he shuddered realizing that he knew what Japanese schoolgirls felt like. Then he screamed because of the connotations after shuddering because he was sympathizing after screaming because of the connotations. Then he shuddered having realized that he was a Japanese schoolgirl after screaming from connotations that sprouted from shuddering and sympathizing which came from crazy tentacle connotations that were about to be proved true.

Yusuke lunged at BUSH from out of nowhere using his spirit gun power like no other. But his fucking hits were bouncing off. She's like an effing tank!

"She's a brick house," said Hiei who was trying to watch both fights of the century that was going on at the wedding of the century.

Kurama and Legolas were starting to get rather sweaty and half bloody as they went at it. And Yusuke and Kuwabara were beginning to look pretty 2 cent romance novel-ish over where they were. He just couldn't decide what to watch. Maybe he should've, cuz in the next moment he wuz-

"Kuwabaraed!" Yusuke screamed trying his best to fight off the rather friendly tentacles that BUSH was using. Kuwabara wasn't moving. Well actually he was cuz you could still see him shuddering if you looked really close, but his screams were all in his head now.

'If only,' he thought. 'If only.' He had a two second flashback of all the things Yusuke was able to do and of the song he's been singing that afternoon. Suddenly time slowed and the background music to Kuwabara's song flared up.

"Kuuuuuwaaaaaa baaaarrrraaaaaaa !" Yusuke shouted out again, but in s l o w m o t i o n this time.

And in just as s l o w of m o t i o n Kuwabara could see his fiancé being thrust up into the air by one of the tentacles and slammed down onto the ground.

Our dear Kuwa could now feel power surging through him. In fact everyone could see the power surging since it was yellow and like firey looking. He clenched his fist and screamed out 'BUSH' all warbly like. It looked like this: BUuuuUuuuuUuuuuuuuuuusssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHahhhh!

He charged at the woman his sword extending. He charged at the woman his sword extending. He charged at the woman his sword extending. He charged at the woman his sword extending.

Her eyes narrowed as she prepared for the attack. Her eyes narrowed as she prepared for the attack. Her eyes narrowed as she prepared for the attack.

Her eyes narrowed as she prepared for the attack.

He leapt at her, faster than ever, thrusting his sword at the only unguarded part of her body. He leapt at her, faster than ever, thrusting his sword at the only unguarded part of her body. He leapt at her, faster than ever, thrusting his sword at the only unguarded part of her body. He leapt at her, faster than ever, thrusting his sword at the only unguarded part of her body.

Time got all fast again as he shoved his sword all the way through her body and out to the other side. She gasped, in pain for once, and she grabbed at the sword trying to remove it. But not today biscuits. That sword's burning with the fire of love and if you touch it you gonna burn bitch! Ho yeah!

* * *

Legolas had grabbed Hiei's tiny body and had a sword to his neck. Hiei was tempted to scream a girly scream because he was being held hostage. But Hiei clenched his fist so as to appear manly and unaffected. But he was still temtped to scream cuz of being held hostage even though he clenched his fist to appear manly because he'd originally wanted to scream. So he clenched his fist more fighting down the urge to scream like a Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds though he'd already clenched his fist to appear manly and fight the temptation to scream like a little girly girl. Life sux. 

Kurama approached Legolas, his whip out. "Let go of Hiei," he said softly which wuz like a death threat in Kurama language.

"Not until I get my dwarf back!"

"And?"

Legolas sighed. "And until you die."

"That's what I thought."

"But I don't like to say it," Legolas whined. "It sounds so crude and barbaric!"

"I know exactly how you feel!", Kurama exclaimed. "I always let my demon side say it because he says it with so much more creativity."

"Really?" Legolas grip had not lessened on Hiei and he had begun fiddling with his sword driving the blade into his neck just a bit.

"Yeah, he usually says something like 'If you die I will' and then he tosses his hair."

"Wow, that's pretty hot!"

"I know, right?"

Hiei sighed.

* * *

Light flashed from the two sworn enemies like a teenage girl during spring break. Kuwabara was a bit surprised, but he was too busy avenging his love to really care. 

BUSH was biting her tongue trying her best not to scream out too much. It wasn't becoming to scream often. 'Oh my, is that the feeling of my insides burning up?', she pondered as the light continued to flash. 'Yes, I think it is.'

Yusuke looked up from where he'd been half-dead on the ground and gasped. He gasped not just in shock, but in pride too. And in love. He was so proud of his lover and loved him more because of that but he was shocked that his lover loved him that much and therefore loved him more because of it. How wunnerful.

"I admire you Kazuma Kuwabara. Despite all that I did, I could never break you."

"You're damned right you couldn't! My ass is Yusuke's and his only!"

"Kazuma Kuwabara, I-"

Kuwabara twisted his sword and allowed more power to flow through him causing our dear evil villainess BUSH to suffer from a small case of death. And when it allllll, it all comes down.

She exploded to say the least. All over everyone. Like, that is so gross. Evil villain guts all over your new dress or tux or whatever.

Kuwabara floated down to the ground and was instantly embraced by his lover. Villain guts were still flying everywhere.

"Kuwabara, I love you so much!" He half-sobbed into his lover's manly chest.

"I love you too Yusuke." Kuwa smiled to himself. He'd finally become manly it seemed. Yusuke hefted him up into his arms and began to carry him down the isle. Nevermind.

The wedding guest who were still alive and therefore important, had all gotten up from their duck and roll positions and were watching as the lovers walked down the isle. It was awe inspiring really. Or some shit like that.

Everything seemed to be coming back together and the wedding could very well continue on. Just as soon as Kurama and Legolas stopped trying to kill each other.

At the altar Yusuke set his fiancé down and their attentions focused on the hostage situation involving the elf, the fox demon, the koorime, and the dwarf.

"Why can't you two just get along?", Hiei asked. Two unimportant ppl who missed the first wave, died from shock. Hiei asking for peace?

"Think about it. You're both hot in your own right. You both are interested in the same stuff. You both have short lovers. Why not be friends instead of enemies?"

Kurama looked at Legolas. Legolas looked at Kurama. Yusuke half groped Kuwabara. Shizuru woke up. Kurama slowly extended his hand, Legolas meeting him halfway.

"Let's be friends," the fox demon said softly.

"Let's." They shook hands and suddenly it was as if the end of a care bears movie had started up. Everyone was happily loving, sharing, caring, and all that other shit everywhere. Even the sun seemed to be happier. No one minded the light brown substance that was BUSH guts that had sprayed all over everything.

The small lovers were exchanged and Legolas and his dwarf, Gimli, took their seats in the audience. Hiei and Kurama went to their spots as well. Everyone was in place and ready to go. The preacher was still asleep.

A tiny drop of villain juice leaked down from the podium and slipped into the preacher's open mouth. They swallowed it. Silence reigned. Suddenly the preacher jumped up and took off their big ol' preachy hat revealing a orange haired girl with bright blue eyes that could have been Kuwabara's sister.

"Let's get you whores married!" she exclaimed.

In the end, the wedding went off without a hitch. Yusuke and Kuwabara were happily married and now Jewish. Hiei and Kurama seemed to be closer than ever. Legolas and Gimli had made some new friends. BUSH was defeated and only her whip remained.

Let's get to the evening part of this whole shiznat.

In Kuwabara and Yusuke's honeymoon suite, the two were locked in a tight manly embrace.

"Yusuke."

"Yes Kuwa?"

"Do you like whips?"

He started, but thought back to earlier that day. "I…I do."

"Good." Kuwabara cracked a whip that just so happened to have been abandoned by certain exploding evol.

Yusuke took a step back from his love. "You mean-?"

Kuwa chuckled. "Yep."

Yusuke was more than a little nervous. He was a little uke.

* * *

Kurama slipped out of the window and jumped lightly down to the dirt below him. He sprinted off into the night until he reached the edge of a forest. There he met up with Hiei. 

"Is it done?" the shorter demon asked.

"Hell's yeah." Kurama lit a cigarette and took a long drag on it. "C'mon Hiei let's go celebrate."

"Does that mean I get to be on top?"

Kurama smiled gently at him. "Of course not baby. Youko's celebrating too."

Hiei pouted.

Legolas was dead.

That really should be the end and in truth it is. But we must address the matter at hand. What exactly was BUSH? An insecure woman who hid behind her leather and tools of torture? A presidential candidate who believes there is more than one 'internet'? Or maybe a very evil bit of Starbuck's coffee? It's the last one bitches. Starbuck's always wakes up girl's who look like Kuwabara. Always.

* * *

(1) got this after reading Jei's awesome Moments of Haven series. 

damn i'm hungry. oh, if anyone wants me to finish writing out Kuwa and Yusuke's songs i will. i'll write a Hiei one if you so desire. ahahaha. food.

small rant: my formatting for this is ruined. so i once again damn the ppl who run this website for "helping make everything easier" and thereby screwing up anythingi post. i don't wish for you to burn in hell, but i wish that you would get a clue and realize that 'new and improved' isn't always better. bitches.


End file.
